Okay, this is the moment. The moment when I either lose or gain (or both) a bunch of subscribers. The moment that I often considered writing about, and then changed my mind — all right, chickened out. But I feel, deep down, that this is too important. I need to confront it.
As many of you will know, I have a learning disorder, and have suffered from depression and anxiety issues. Sometimes it was related to the disorder itself, to the chaos the imbalance in brain chemicals causes. It’s been hard. No lie, no denial, no sugarcoating. Really damn hard. You have to learn coping skills, skills for life, skills for doing life with your condition.
Please tell me I’m not alone. I so often feel alone. That no one else understands, or cares.
When I post about the side effects ADD and autism have on our lives, I frequently try to find the lighter side, the humorous, in it. Not that I want to take away the seriousness, which I’m fully — painfully — aware of. Just that I’m hoping to find the positive in a whole lot of — intensely — negative.
Lately my personal complexes have become too overwhelming. It’s affecting my family and myself. I don’t want to feel this way. Most of the time in the past few months, I’m depressed, angry, even hopeless.
Doesn’t seem like the picture above, huh. Well, after feeling in despair for so long, I really, really want to be like this picture.
I want to be happy. To learn peace. To understand forgiveness. To know joy.
Not that any of this is your problem, concern, or heck, whoever’s reading this may not even care. But I truly hope you do. And some of you have told me that you do.
As I’ve become a blogger and reader of others’ blogs, I’ve found that many of us turn to each other — although we’ve never met in person — for solace, comfort, empathy, and hope. Yup, there’s that word again, hope. It’s a big deal.
So, as I prepare to hit publish, and await to see what the response is to this post, I’ll also say this:
Trusting people — even online — is not easy for me. Maybe that can change. Letting down my guard — and knowing some people will disappoint me — is daunting at best. But I also need to feel connected — in whatever way — to someone who I feel will, does, care.
The tone of this blog, overall, won’t really change. It’s just that sometimes I need to get more serious. I may need to vent, or seek comfort over a loss or heartache. Being forced to confront all of this feels similar to walking too close to a fire that you know you have to pass through to reach the other, safer, unburned side.
Personally, I believe that there is a divine God out there that can, wants to, and will help me. I know some of you may not agree, and that some of you do. My faith in a lot of things has been lacking recently, but I’m not ready to give up yet.