The Invisible Moth

Autistic Author Confessions

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I have confessions to make. Yes, plural.

First, I am somewhat purposefully neglecting my more complex WIP…also known as Volume 4.

Why? Well, after delivering a bombshell in Volume 3 (no spoilers, I promise, for those of you not yet caught up), I’m finding a proper encore a bit hard to create. It’s almost like stage fright.

Here’s my second confession: The stage fright comes after a series of rejections from book snobs.

Should I really care what book snobs think about my little fantasy masterpiece? Maybe not? But here’s confession 3: I do.

I went through a very, very rough experience in the spring, with trying to expand my local promoting, and it falling flat on its/my face. Confession 4: I was really wondering if I should just throw in the towel on this whole indie author thing.

There are times I wrote several pages of a new draft for Volume 4, or for a playing-around-with-ideas prequel, and then just literally shredded them. (C5)

And since I am poor and paper and ink can be expensive when you’re on a tight budget, simply chucking drafts is a blow to the wallet and the self-esteem. (C6)

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I felt so worn down by the lack of progress that I almost put How To Be A Savage on hold indefinitely. (C7)

Finally, I pushed through to finish the bloody thing, almost out of spite at my obstacles. And after some of the early feedback I’ve gotten, I know it was worth it.

Now I’m diving back into Fire and Wind, and am determined to have the (3rd – C8) draft done by the end of summer.

Despite knowing part of self-publishing is doing the marketing yourself, I am very loathe to promote the heck out of Savage. (C9) I is tired.

For the sake of my own mental health, I left Goodreads last year, and therefore am not monitoring if my new works are being listed on that site. This not happening will slightly hurt the marketing aspect, but I am willing to leave it up to any GR Librarians I may know.

(C10) I am hoping someone will put Savage up on GR. And start the ball rolling with a glowing review. One of the few things that’s kept me going in these last several months of hell is knowing I do have a support base.

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After feeling for quite a while (far too damn long) like I was sleepwalking through life, I am ready to attack at least my writing, for the sole purpose of enjoying writing. I am DONE with what the book snobs think. They can go away and do something unpleasant and metaphorical to themselves. (C11)

Also, I’m not going to keep apologizing for not having a new book ready to publish every 6 months. (C12) Books will be ready when they are ready, and that is that; amen.

If there’s a lack of writing announcements, I may have to find more ways to add content to my newsletters; I’ll figure it out. (C13)

I’d told myself that not going to Realm Makers this year wasn’t a big deal. I think I lied to myself. (C14) To all of you going, have the BEST time and take a million pictures to show the rest of us. While money and travel are always concerns for me, I do continue to pray that one year soon I can overcome those issues, and the utterly terrifying idea of being around a crowd of mostly strangers for 3 whole days, to join all of you. (C15)

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I’m going to stop beating myself up because I haven’t had a book signing yet. (C16)

My focus for the next couple of months is going to be the writing itself. The process. The plotting, getting to know my characters again, remembering why I have to keep sharing their stories with others. Recapturing the passion.

And, boy, do I need it. I won’t lie and claim I’m not fretting about my birthday coming up next month. I feel OLD. Absolutely no one will make me feel better by pointing out that next year I shall become the meaning of Life, the Universe, Everything. In 2019 (!), I do NOT want to be 41, and am being a whiny baby about it.

I do feel that I haven’t achieved enough for having been on the planet this long. (C17) I have found peace in the acceptance of factors beyond my control and situations or issues I can’t solve on my own. But Time seems out to get me right now, and the thought of what I still need to accomplish (like putting my boys’ future in good shape) is certainly intimidating.

I need to learn how to paw slap this mentality away. (C18)

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This would be a really good point to recall that when I was turning 31, I wasn’t an author yet; but was successfully, finally, finishing a college degree, and slowly molding myself into a rockstar autism parent.

I hadn’t started a blog yet; but without going on the journey of studying Early Childhood Education and becoming more familiar with social media, I wouldn’t have known what issues special needs kids and their parents are facing, nor been brave enough to get my own opinions on the screen.

I hadn’t yet finished the 5th draft of what would become Masters and Beginners; if I wasn’t querying agents and receiving rejections back then, I wouldn’t have felt spurred to dive into NaNoWriMo in 2016 and at last complete the manuscript that launched my self-publishing endeavors.

Without having the guts, and the don’t-give-a-damns, to attempt this undertaking, I wouldn’t know many of the friends I’ve met since they first read my blog, my Twitter, or my books.

I can’t believe I almost didn’t do it. (C19)

In spite of all the downsides, I’m really glad I did. (C20)

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6 thoughts on “Autistic Author Confessions”

  1. Daley! I’m so glad you didn’t give up on your writing! Believe me, if I could, I’d get you to sign every copy I have of your books. I’m bummed you can’t make it to Realm Makers this year, but I completely understand. It will be my first time and while I’m excited, I’m also completely terrified as well and part of me wants to run under a couch and never come out.
    Please know that there are those of us that care about you and your writing. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so so glad you didn’t give up either and you launched into this amazing career of storytelling and art 💛 I’m with you in how there are so many down places as well as highs. It’s really hard. Ahhh. (I also feel it’s fair to say that we autistics are often a bit slower than others in achieving our milestones. But HEY. We get there and we appreciate it all the more 🤗)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t give up – and for what it’s worth, it sounds like you’ve achieved so many valuable things! Don’t put yourself down ❤️ Ignore the book snobs 100%, they’re just not worth it. Someone on my uni course said to me the other day ‘I can’t believe you’ve never read Hamlet’ and my response was ‘No but I’ve seen The Lion King and I’m pretty sure that counts!’ He had no idea how to respond to that… You do you, and take care of yourself X

    Liked by 1 person

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